Yes means Yes is the model of affirmative consent that Speak About It, schools, activists, and educators across the country use. We think it’s the best model for healthy, consensual, and pleasurable sexual activity.
You may have heard that you have consent or permission to hook-up as long as someone doesn’t say no. This isn’t true. This “no means no” model doesn’t fully capture the complexities of sexual consent, nor does it leave space for everyone’s safety, pleasure, autonomy or enthusiasm when it comes to sexual encounters. Affirmative consent means all parties have to give an enthusiastic YES to all parts of a hook-up.
Yes means Yes is a shift towards positivity and pleasure. In the past decade, educators, activists, and even many lawmakers have adopted the Yes means Yes model of affirmative consent. Yes means Yes is a powerful statement that everyone deserves to have sexual encounters that are consensual, pleasurable and desired.
Listening for and respecting the Yes is also the best way to be good at sex! Imagine if your partner was spending the whole time focusing on what they didn’t want. That doesn’t sound fun! Now, imagine what it would be like instead to focus on what you both do want. Giving and getting affirmative consent promotes dialogue about boundaries and desires, and empowers everyone involved to ask for what they want. Already sounds more fun, right?
Ensuring that everyone is giving and getting an enthusiastic yes at every stage of a sexual encounter or relationship also ensures everybody’s continued safety. Yes means Yes means that affirmative consent isn’t a blank check—you need to hear yes for every new action, activity, or context. Just because someone wants to make out this Tuesday, doesn’t mean they want to make out next Tuesday, or Saturday, or ever again. (Don’t worry, they might wanna make out all the time, but you’ll never know unless you #justask!)
Yes means Yes takes into account how different people react to stress, high stakes, or trauma. When we experience stress, we all have different reflexes or responses: fight, flight, freeze or fawn. For people who freeze in tense situations, they might be unable to say no, react, or do anything at all when faced with unwanted sexual contact. By teaching the Yes means Yes model means, we can teach people that silence or no response is not consent, and therefore keep more people safe, healthy, and happy.
Increasingly, researchers are adding fawn to the list of trauma responses. In response to stress, some people flatter, give-in, or agree with an aggressor as a form of self-protection. Therefore, it’s important to remember that the Yes means Yes is a model for enthusiastic affirmative consent. A person does not consent if they are coerced, forced, manipulated, pressured, or talked into saying ‘yes’ to something. Everyone needs to honestly and enthusiastically want to be doing what they’re doing with each other!
